Dreams and the Other Side of Fear

How many of us have had or have now that dream that you always imagined you would be?  Would do?  Would accomplish?  I am imagining that every single person reading that sentence is raising their hand.  Now, how many of us have pursued that dream?  Like really took steps to make that dream become reality?  I just saw a bunch of hands drop.  I know my own did.

I’m sitting here at 46 years old  looking back and seeing all of the hopes and dreams of what my life would be like and then looking at the present and hmmmm, have any of those dreams come to fruition?  I certainly didn’t think that at 46 years old, I would be a divorced mom of one working in the corporate world, living my own version of the movie Groundhog Day.  Same mundane occurrences day in and day out.  Where’s the satisfaction?  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I absolutely adore my daughter.  I have build a good life for us.  Own my own home, car, all of those material goals have been achieved.  But that deep down in the soul fulfillment?  That reason I was put on this Earth kind of fulfillment.  That getting up every day and being driven with purpose.  I feel like I’m missing out on my purpose.  And my purpose which will help show my daughter that life is for the living and we can be anything we want to be.

When I think about my passions, I think about writing.  I think about how much I love expressing myself in word.  How I seek out writing as a way of putting my thoughts into the universe.  And getting out of my head.  And as I sit here and think about what I have just written, I feel the fear creeping up out of the corners of the room and closing in.  Fear is a dream killer.  Fear is a killer of creation.  Fear is an asshole, if I’m completely honest.  And fear has been my enemy almost my entire life.  I was thinking about this last night while I was supposed to be sleeping but apparently insomnia is waiting out there with fear and they are playing tag team.  I thought about what my dreams have been and are now and why I am not pursuing them.  Fear!  That’s why.  Fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of success, fear of jumping off that cliff and thinking the parachute won’t open.  F fear!  

Which brings me to now and what brings me here in the first place.  Maybe it’s a bit of midlife crisis rearing its head.  Maybe it’s because my life is in a bit of transition.  My daughter is on the verge of really becoming more independent.  Driving, college is right around the corner.  And the fact that she’s having a bit of fear herself and a lack of seeing everything she brings to the world.  And that makes me look internally in what I am teaching her.  First thought – if Mama ain’t happy, then no one is happy.  But seriously, if I don’t take care of me and gain fulfillment out of my life as an individual, what kind of lesson is that teaching her?  I have shown that a woman can go out and conquer but that’s the house, job, car lesson.  But what about dreams?  Passion?  I have failed her here.  Self care is paramount.  It’s a MUST!  As she has grown older and more into her own person, I have realized that I need a life too.  It’s important not only for me but also for her.  So that is what brings me to Brave Girl Blogging.  I am putting my money where my mouth is.  Time to start dreaming, living, doing!  And F fear!

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