Growing up, I was a leader in a follower’s clothing. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to be part of the popular group. I wanted a circle. I knew that I had so much to say and was someone who could make a difference but I was scared. Scared of losing people. Scared of turning people off. Scared of taking a chance. Scared of being authentically me.
As I got older, I still had those feelings but felt the leader role calling to me. But fear held me back. Then I became a mom. And that opened up a whole new path for me. I had been thrust into a leader position and I was responsible for another human. I had to guide this little being down her own path with lessons from me. Me! This was frightening! I made plenty of mistakes along the way. Lord did I. But I also think that me becoming a mom made me step back and look at a lot of things differently. Did I want my daughter to be a cookie cutter person or did I want her to think and feel for herself. Be a true individual. This is where we kind of learn from our mistakes. One of my biggest regrets was not to be who I am for fear of others’ judgments. I have tried to instill this into my daughter. Now don’t get me wrong because I still have that feeling that conformity is right. And it’s funny because now, if I try and attempt that with her, she snaps me right out of it. She truly is her own person. She has shown ME that it can be done. She doesn’t conform. She is who she is. And she is AMAZING!
So I am kind of following her lead as well as, as I have said earlier, guiding her to show that following your own path and being your own person is the way to go. I want to make her proud and set an example of feeling the fear but doing it anyway.
Which leads me to why I am writing this. I was scared to share this with people I actually know. I was scared of the vulnerability. Scared of letting people in. Scared of putting myself out there. Throughout my life, I have been a Yes woman. Growing up, I just wanted to please so people liked me. In my marriage, I submitted because it was either that or piss someone off because they didn’t have control. In my career, I have been the yes person because again, wanted to please and do a good job and I got gratification from that. I still want that in my career. But I also want to be true to myself. I want to be me. And not to have to hide for fear. I have hidden for so long. After my marriage ended, I have slowly learned that I deserve to be out in plain sight. I have validity. I have value. And I deserve to see where that all takes me.
So this is taking my first chance. ❤