Note: a little profanity included.
If there is one thing in my life that I wish was a bit different, it would be my relationships, or ‘ships as my daughter would say. And I know that I have a big hand in that and things need to change. Yeah, I know. People say that you shouldn’t have to change for people. And that is true, ideally. But you also have to own your own flaws and obstacles that you put in your own way. I know I have tossed obstacles in my way. I have lived through a life of hurt. I have trusted and been betrayed, again and again. After a while, it’s hard to not wall yourself off.
But as always, it seems, it comes back to being a parent and the lessons that I am teaching my daughter. And when I see her starting to mirror my behavior when it’s doing her a disservice to her in her life, I realize “Oh shit….. I messed up.” It makes me look at my own behavior and try and correct it. The walls. These fucking walls. When someone goes through trauma, we find ways to get through. And those walls were there to help get me through. But now I’m on the other side and those walls are no longer needed. At least not as high as I have built them. It’s normal to have a little buildup of walls but when they start keeping out the good for fear of the bad, it’s no bueno.
This is something that I have been working on. But for me, it’s hard. Very hard for me to trust. And I also don’t have a very good radar for red flags. I inherently try and see the good in people. Being somewhat of an empath, I also look into reasons why people do the things they do. If someone hurts me, I tend to make excuses for them because I know there are reasons that make people behave in certain ways. Just like me, hurt fuels behavior in some not so favorable ways. I see the hurt they are going through themselves. And in this moment, I minimize myself. I’m pretty good at minimizing myself. Goes back to me being a people pleaser. But what about me and my needs? Don’t I deserve to have my needs met too? I am finally saying YES. Which goes to the quote at the beginning of this post.
“Stick with people who pull out the magic in you and not the madness”
A good ‘ship is all about give and take. A balance. It can’t just be one-sided. Both sides deserve to feel wanted, needed, valued. Yes, sometimes, things can become unbalanced towards one side or the other. That’s where good communication comes into the picture. And if the other person values you and your ‘ship, then it can be addressed and your ‘ship can grow and flourish. But what happens when you try and communicate and nothing happens? Red flags people. And when the same situation happens over and over? GIANT WAVING RED FLAGS. You are worth more than having to convince someone to be in your life.
Finding ‘ships during midlife is not easy. You are already set in your ways. Likes and dislikes ingrained. The old adage “Can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. But is that truly the way it is or are we just so dug in with our heels to the ways that things have always been that we are not flexible to do something different? So in the theme of learning and growth, I am doing this for me. Time to become a little more flexible. And time to take a sledgehammer to some of these fucking walls and let the light shine through. ❤
Let your weird light shine bright so the other weirdos know where to find you.