Dreamer without a Dream

At the end of November 2019, I was laid off. Part of a Reduction in Force that affected 10% of the company that I was working for. I had worked at that company for over 8 years. It was my first job after leaving my tumultuous marriage and starting over from scratch with my daughter. It was the launch of our new life and independence. It helped rebuild me, my confidence, my strength, my drive. After the layoff, they had asked if I would do some consulting for them for a few months. That was through February 2020. And then Coronavirus entered the picture. I have had several interviews and actual job offers but can’t take them either because they want me on site or the positions are now on hold. My daughter is a Type 1 Diabetic and so I can’t go out and work and then come home for fear of making her sick. And that is priority #1!

I know that I will get through this. But this feeling of being a dreamer without a dream has been going on before the pandemic became a pandemic. With the previous job, it was a given that I had a purpose there and was able to stay driven and know I had built-in growth. Towards the end, things ended up pretty chaotic there, however. Management changed, lack of direction and an every-man-for-himself mentality was chasing me away before I even was laid off. So I have been going through the motions of this for a while. You know when you ask your kids what they want to be when they grow up? I feel like I’m asking myself this.

I have always been a dreamer. But I seem to have lost the dream to grab onto and move forward. Is it the midlife crisis time of life for me that is taking over? Maybe a little Coronavirus cabin fever talking? I don’t know exactly. But it is driving me mad. So I came here to try and start working through the chaos that is my thoughts. I’m sure there will be more to come. Probably around 3am. 🙂

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