So as you have read in some of my previous posts, I’m in a weird transition place in my life. The farther I have gotten away from the corporate life, the less I want to go back and the more I want to take a chance and be my own boss. I have taken the first step by starting my own Virtual Business Solutions agency. It’s starting to take off and it really is a great fit. But I also have this pull towards my creative side. I have always loved being creative. It’s like I am both right and left brained. Analytical and creative. Weird combination indeed.
Way long ago, I had started my own boutique when my daughter was young and still let me make her girly with bows and tutus and all of that fun stuff. I was in my element. Love getting my hands dirty and coming away with a new something or other that I made. And I was good at it. So when I was hit with all of this unexpected downtime, that’s where my mind gravitated. I realized that I have a lot of time on my hands but nothing to fill it that really fulfilled me. I mean like hobbies and the like. In looking at what my life had consisted of, I realized that I had immersed myself so much into my work that I didn’t take care of me. It was part of my defense mechanism I suppose. Occupy my time and mind and all of that. And by doing that, I really lost part of who I was. I was pretty empty. And pretty lost.
Slowly I have been starting to realize what could make my heart and soul happy. Obviously outside of being a mom because that is definitely one of the best things I have going but I am more than just a mom. And I had mentioned previously about what I am showing my daughter. This downtime has shown me that I am so much more than just who I have settled to be. I have this almost primal feeling jumping out of me to be more. I’m not getting any younger. And I want more for me than to just pay taxes and die.
So I have been letting my mind lead me to things that could help get me back to me and bring me forward. One of those things was reading. Omg I used to love to read. This past week, I sat down and read. I missed it so much. Finished “Where The Crawdads Sing“. Amazing book! If you haven’t read it, go get it! Anyway, As my mind has wandered, it took me back to my creativity. I was talking with my mom a few weeks ago and we were talking about a candle scent and making a candle for it. And it clicked. My mind started turning over and over. The creativity feeling returned and hard. Like one of those tv shows where the person has amnesia and all of the sudden, their memories all come back at once. But then something else reared its head. Damn self doubt.
For the past few weeks, I have been having an internal battle between my creativity and my self-doubt. It’s like having an angel and devil on my shoulders going back and forth. What I wouldn’t give to just flick the devil off like a nasty bug. But for some reason, I let her stay there saying all kinds of nasty things and dictate my actions too or inaction, I should say. I watch as the devil of fear tries to keep me from moving forward. It reminded me of a quote I read a while ago – Get Out Of Your Own Damn Way! I am my own obstacle. That devil of fear is a culmination of voices from my past who sought to hold me down and voices of people who don’t believe in themselves enough to see that people really can and SHOULD take chances to become more than a person who just pays taxes and dies. If a friend were to come to me with their ideas like I have and their doubts, what would I tell them? I would tell them to GO FOR IT! So why can’t I take my own advice? Those damn voices. That damn devil. I wish I saw myself as others see me. When people tell me nice things about me, I hear the devil in my ear. And for whatever reason, I believe her.
The path forward is mine for the taking. It’s mine to find out whether I can succeed or fail. And so as part of moving forward, my goal is to get rid of the obstacles. Won’t be easy. My obstacle is a large mountain but a mountain can be moved even if it’s just one rock at a time. I want that life I see on the other side of the mountain. I want to be that person. I know she’s inside just waiting for me to discover her. It’s time for me to pick up that next rock and toss it into the oblivion.