Well, wow. It’s been a while. Every time I tried to sit down and write, I became stuck and couldn’t put the words together to create a coherent post. Kind of like what I am doing now. Oy vey. But I have been avoiding it for too long. At first, I was really busy with two new businesses and threw myself into those and getting them off of the ground but then it got to where my brain became too noisy.
I mentioned about the possible career paths previously. One was for IT consulting and one was for a new candle and bath/body business. My energies veered toward the candle business more and that is where my joy really took over. Being able to use my creativity is so cathartic to me and being able to make a living creating and bringing joy to others is a win/win for me. So that business really took hold and I have been focusing the majority of my energy there and with my daughter. The whole virtual school situation has been really tough for her. I know for some kids, it’s been a really good solution and they have been thriving. But this extroverted spirit in my daughter has been floundering. Luckily for her, hybrid school started last month. And now the sun is shining more and the weather has started to get a little bit nicer so these have been all great changes.
“The path forward is mine for the taking. It’s mine to find out whether I can succeed or fail. And so as part of moving forward, my goal is to get rid of the obstacles. Won’t be easy. My obstacle is a large mountain but a mountain can be moved even if it’s just one rock at a time. I want that life I see on the other side of the mountain. I want to be that person. I know she’s inside just waiting for me to discover her. It’s time for me to pick up that next rock and toss it into the oblivion.” This was the last paragraph of my last blog. I started down that path forward. And have started making some really great changes. Like I said above, jumping on the opportunity of starting a new career that I love with all of my soul has been a huge life changer for me. I jumped instead of playing it safe out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of the unknown. And every day, I face those fears. Some days are more successful than others. I know that I won’t fail if I give my all. But I also know that I WILL fail if I allow the fear of judgment get in my way. That is the fear that lingers. That causes self sabotage. That causes my feet to get stuck in wet cement, if only for a few minutes. The wet cement feeling has become less and less but it still occurs.
The fear of judgment is a powerful beast. It’s the fear of being judged by others but moreso, being judged by myself. I remember reading a few months ago about people and their internal dialogues. I definitely have one and my partner in this internal dialogue is one of the biggest judgmental bitches that I have ever met! These conversations with ‘that judgy bitch’ are the most influential on my life and where the majority of my fear of judgment comes from. I would NEVER talk to people the way that I talk to myself. Never! I judge myself over everything! Parenting, career, pets, landscaping, housecleaning, brushing my teeth, you name it! I judge it! But only with me. I would never think of judging anyone else the way I judge myself. The good thing here is that I am finally seeing it all for what it is. I know that I have the power to make it better. It won’t be easy and it will take time but it will happen.
So the fear of judgment is my next mountain that I am climbing. I’m strapping on my climbing boots, arming myself with the tools that will help me reach the peak. I know it’s just one step forward and upward at a time but I will reach the top.
I promise to be more active here. It’s such a great outlet especially with coming up on a year of basic isolation compared to pre-Covid life. In the meantime, please be nice to yourself. Tell your own Judgy McJudgerson to go kick rocks!