This weekend, a lightbulb went off. My faith has been waning. I couldn’t put my finger on it until now. I’m one of those people that has to put a name to something so I can work through it. And now I have the name. Lacking faith.
This isn’t the lacking faith in the religious sense. I am not a religious person. I consider myself more agnostic and spiritual but definitely not a synagogue/church goer. Just not my thing. Cue Seinfeld saying “Not that there is anything wrong with it!” Seriously, I know people whose religious faith is very important to them and anything that makes a person want to do and be better is a good thing in my book. Ok, got off my topic a little.
Faith for me is faith in life, faith in people, faith in the future, faith in myself. It’s been a LONG pandemic. And honestly, it’s been a long last few years. I went from divorce to getting my groove back and was in a really good place. Then, there were some bumps in the road and although I tried to come back from them, they really have derailed me. They always say that the universe won’t give you more than you can handle but but someone up there was definitely trying to test me for sure. One road bump happens and you can bounce back. But once one after another happens, you feel like you are under an avalanche. My faith waned. My faith in my parenting. My faith in relationships, friendships, family. Faith in myself.
My faith waned in parenting. Parenting a child who is going through a lot is hard. You want to fix it all. You have to remind yourself that you can not control others’ behavior and you have to let her go through it with all of the support that you can give her. You have to remind yourself that you have no control over her pancreas and just have to be as supportive as you can be and surround her with as much support as you can.
My faith waned in people. First of all, dating? Ugh. Ugggh. Uggghhhh. So yeah, that took a toll. Connections that I chose to forge seemed to not work out. Was I not a good friend? Why was I not good enough for family to think about? Why was I treated less than I treated others? Again, can’t control others. And I certainly can’t determine my worth on people who don’t value me.
My faith in myself began to wane. So much has happened over the last few years and the strong, independent, driven person I was was disappearing again like when I was married. It’s like that picture in Back to the Future when the kids start to disappear? That’s how I have been feeling about myself. I was disappearing. I have allowed doubt, others’ behaviors, negativity to creep in and chip away at my faith. I have fed myself the doubt, the negativity and then wondered why I felt the way that I did. You feed yourself shit, you will feel like shit. This goes for the food you put into your body and also, just importantly, the messages that you allow into your mind.
So this weekend, the lightbulb went off and I feel like I have a sparkle of faith restored in myself and that is the first step. People will be people. Some are assholes; but most have their own crap going on and can’t see beyond themselves. Parenting seems to have turned the corner recently which lifts a huge weight off of my shoulders because all I want is happiness for my daughter.
I’m going to take this little sparkle and turn it into a guiding light. Time to start feeding myself the good stuff.